Today I went and had lunch with my neighbor. She is really nice. It is a big accomplishment for me because I don't go out much...especially not with people that are not directly related to me. It was kind of a break through. I still have yet to make the phone call to make an appointment for a counseling session.

To begin with

I started this new blog because I feel like I need a place to write down my feelings. I don't even care if anybody reads it but I don't like to write in journals.

So lately I have been feeling so overly BLAH. I hate being depressed. I feel like now that I have the official diagnosis that I am letting it define who I am. That can be very damaging. Lately I don't know who I am anymore. All I can put together is "I'm Simona, and I'm depressed." I know that I am a daughter of God, and I know that I have a family that loves me but right now that just doesn't feel like enough and I don't know how to change that.

I have been tasked with two simple things:

1. go to counseling appointments and

2. go to life skills class

Easy right? Not for me. I feel like those stupid commercials for antidepressants. It's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. I also really don't like sharing my feelings with strangers....or even my parents.

I don't know how I got this way. Everytime I try to think of what happened I am at a loss. I literally have no idea. All I know is that it happened gradually. Sometime after high school and before moving to Utah. I just don't know anymore.

For some of you this "news" may come as a shock. I put on a pretty good front when I'm out in public but on the inside I am full of turmoil and sadness. I can't even put it into words. I am just so thankful that I am not suicidal. Just sad. Which should get better with time and couseling....if I can make myself make the appointment.

Not everyday is like this. There are days when I can get up and out of bed and feel happy. Those days are fewer than the bad days but I see a small light at the end of the long tunnel. I am getting allergy tested in two weeks and will start allergy shots. I am hoping that that will help with the fatigue and overall tiredness.

I am hoping that this blog will help me get my feelings out. Maybe the less I deny the depression the more I can open up and be honest about my feelings. Who knows. The only thing I do know is that I want to be happy and I don't want to be this way anymore. A 23 year old should be out having fun and being around people and not sleeping more than she is awake. I don't know if I am going to tell anyone about this blog, maybe a select few who really understand and won't judge me right now.